You were my first love, and I don’t know why but first loves
are always hard to forget. I miss you so much and there are a lot of questions I
need answers to but I guess I will have to wait until I meet you in heaven. I
have always wanted to forget you though I knew it will be difficult to do so,
and it’s not because you caused me pain during our short time together but
rather the memory of your demise is too painful whenever I remember you. Even
after all these years, it still feels like it was just yesterday since you
left.
I realized that I don’t have to forget you but rather I just
have to learn to live with your memory. I guess there was no time for
explanations or final goodbyes, or for me to ask if I loved you enough. I am
here now wishing and wanting to talk to you, to see you smile again. That smile;
that lights up your whole face. That infectious smile of yours that makes me
smile to and warms my heart no matter the mood I am in. I never thought I will
ever feel that again but I met someone who also makes me laugh and want to cry
all in one breathe, but can never be compared to you.
I have a lot to tell you. There’s so much I didn’t tell you,
I never thought I will lose you. No, at least not this cruel and mysterious
way. But those words you will never hear. I kept it all inside, thinking I will
have more time to tell you how much you mean to me and how much I loved you. We
had so much in common. You were the first person who really understood me. I strived
to be a better person and deal with the ‘demons’ I had when you met me because
you believed in me. You saw something in me that I didn’t see in myself. You were
always there, ready to love and support me even though I pushed you aside
several times, but you understood what I was facing and you never left me.
It didn’t make sense for a long time to breathe or continue
living after you were gone. I felt like it was a betrayal to you. I cried
myself to sleep for several months but realized that no matter what happens
life still goes on. No matter the hurt in our hearts, or the regrets of things
we didn’t do or words we didn’t utter or voice out, and it hurts more than
being pierced with a knife. It’s a kind of hurt I never experienced even when
my father passed away.
I was sometimes impatient and insecure though I had no reason
to. I made mistakes, I sometimes overreacted when there was no need for me to
do that, I was also out of control and at times difficult to handle, but
through it all you could handle me at my worst, and you sure deserved every bit
of me at my best. I miss you, and it’s difficult to forget. But I ask myself,
why it would not be difficult to forget you when you gave me so much to
remember you for in our short time together.
As much as it hurts, I have to forget you and
continue living. I know someday somebody will make me want to turn around and
say goodbye to you. But I loved you. Oh man, I did love you. You contributed
immensely to who I am today though you are not here to see. I have a weird
feeling our story isn’t over, but it's time time however to say goodbye though you left without saying one.
