Time to say goodbye

You were my first love, and I don’t know why but first loves are always hard to forget. I miss you so much and there are a lot of questions I need answers to but I guess I will have to wait until I meet you in heaven. I have always wanted to forget you though I knew it will be difficult to do so, and it’s not because you caused me pain during our short time together but rather the memory of your demise is too painful whenever I remember you. Even after all these years, it still feels like it was just yesterday since you left.

I realized that I don’t have to forget you but rather I just have to learn to live with your memory. I guess there was no time for explanations or final goodbyes, or for me to ask if I loved you enough. I am here now wishing and wanting to talk to you, to see you smile again. That smile; that lights up your whole face. That infectious smile of yours that makes me smile to and warms my heart no matter the mood I am in. I never thought I will ever feel that again but I met someone who also makes me laugh and want to cry all in one breathe, but can never be compared to you.

I have a lot to tell you. There’s so much I didn’t tell you, I never thought I will lose you. No, at least not this cruel and mysterious way. But those words you will never hear. I kept it all inside, thinking I will have more time to tell you how much you mean to me and how much I loved you. We had so much in common. You were the first person who really understood me. I strived to be a better person and deal with the ‘demons’ I had when you met me because you believed in me. You saw something in me that I didn’t see in myself. You were always there, ready to love and support me even though I pushed you aside several times, but you understood what I was facing and you never left me.

It didn’t make sense for a long time to breathe or continue living after you were gone. I felt like it was a betrayal to you. I cried myself to sleep for several months but realized that no matter what happens life still goes on. No matter the hurt in our hearts, or the regrets of things we didn’t do or words we didn’t utter or voice out, and it hurts more than being pierced with a knife. It’s a kind of hurt I never experienced even when my father passed away.

I was sometimes impatient and insecure though I had no reason to. I made mistakes, I sometimes overreacted when there was no need for me to do that, I was also out of control and at times difficult to handle, but through it all you could handle me at my worst, and you sure deserved every bit of me at my best. I miss you, and it’s difficult to forget. But I ask myself, why it would not be difficult to forget you when you gave me so much to remember you for in our short time together.

As much as it hurts, I have to forget you and continue living. I know someday somebody will make me want to turn around and say goodbye to you. But I loved you. Oh man, I did love you. You contributed immensely to who I am today though you are not here to see. I have a weird feeling our story isn’t over, but it's time time however to say goodbye though you left without saying one.